Down and out in ... Martlesham

Wha - !? What? But – huh? It’s just – But it can’t – what?

Wow. So this hasn’t happened before – has it? Don’t think so. How horribly horrible. She just – I mean – come on. That’s down right rotten. Blue!? In Blue!! But it looks amazing. And I just – well – she said – she said she didn’t.

But that’s never happened before. Ugh. This is a nasty feeling. Christ I’m feeling something. Bloody hell I’m thawing out! I’ll melt soon and there will be nothing left. Just a sad puddle. Then I’ll dry up in the sun and – agh! No, ok. Think.

A rebuttal? To my glorious self – surely no such thing could happen. Not because I’m all high and mighty – which goes without saying – but because I never allow it to happen. Always on my terms. Never put your neck on the line – don’t risk nothing don’t lose nothing right? Play it safe like. Let good times come to you. But then – the one cheeky time – I just … oh heck.

How do people do it? I know people that make a habit of it. Ahhh. Is this a dangerous spiral? Perhaps when one door closes it is not so much that another opens, but rather that you run kicking and screaming through as many doors as possible in a vain bid to put as much space between you and the original calamity as possible, is that what they mean? Yikes. That is dangerous.

Oh my - self conceived notion of - God. But hang on a sec. It’s me! Surely – and like she’s me too. It’s scary. I was there – I was her. In her shoes. Surely I am a reflection of her future self. The half baked notions of social justice and world economics. The passion for the abstract. The burning sense of righteousness.

Oh no. Now she’s there. Just there. And that’s not me. How horribly horribly horrible.

Now all that is portable is my pain. Fantastic. Bloody Antarctic seabirds with their warm hearts and cold feet. Don’t worry. She never reads this – and everyone else hasn’t got a clue what I’m on about. Ha. Sob. The Blade Runner soundtrack makes excellent backing to a self-imposed soul crushing. I like my depression with a dystopian twist, if I’m going down, you’re all coming with me.

Horrid, absolutely horrid.