Embracing the Lord. Spitefully.

Despite my wickedly incessant condemnation of all things Christian, I have to reluctantly confess that there may be some areas where I agree with the teeming masses of rich white kids who make up God’s chosen few.

And I’m not talking about the bits we obviously agree on. Just like any child of God I naturally see that women are inferior to men – and certainly should not be allowed to actually address a church congregation – that’s best left to their 21 year old husbands. And of course it goes without saying that if you get aids, you clearly deserve aids, and if you hadn’t been bumming around you wouldn’t have got it in the first place – no amount of contraceptives would have saved you on that one – so very sorry Africa but the Pope’s got it right. God simply enjoys watching you die. Painfully. And as for science? Please! No ****** loving lefty is going to teach that Darwin filth to my children. No way, at least not while I’m still paying my NRA subscriptions.

No, no, no. I’m not talking about that at all! I’m talking about the family.

Core family values. Nuclear families. Brilliant little things. Just perfect for the incubation of peace loving and friendly little people that can go on and build a better world. I think it’s all a matter of psychology, economics and tuition. See it’s all about the parents. Two (relatively) happy parents makes for relatively happy children in my opinion. It also makes for a household with a stable income – vital for sending the brats to college. And of course – it makes it twice as likely that the children will be able to find a parent with the time to do their homework for them. So everyone’s a winner. Families rule. And by the way – this is not a gender specific thing – two guys or two girls are just as capable of doing the same job. My only hesitation with this is the small issue of what happens when the kids go to school and meet a Christian for the first time? They will soon find out that “treat thy neighbour as you would treat yourself” is of course a load of bollox when it comes to the billions of earth’s citizens on God’s ‘Axis of Evil’ hit list.

But other than that – nuclear families are ace. And an important ingredient to any stable society. So there you have it. My conservative edge laid bare for all to see.

Peace brothers, Jesus is with us. If believing in a document written a couple of thousand years ago by some (Arab) ex-convict called Paul helps you stay together with your partner, and does not include the simple suppression of domestic abuse (Don’t lie to me – I know the rubbish that goes on behind Christian doors when the wife is simply to ashamed to get divorced) – then by all means – go for it. I’m with you. Let’s get down to some worshipping.

And if you could also find it in your heart to realise that God’s green earth gets a little bit less green every time you jump into your SUV on a Sunday to go praise his holy creation – then I really think we could be mates. Just.

Walk with the prophets my friends.

I said WALK.